?

Log in

LiveJournal for StarlitChaos.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

Subject:Its interesting to read this stuff a decade or so later.
Time:1:30 pm.
Mood: amused.
Ah, with the wonders of the internet you can go back and read your diary from adolescence and creep yourself at how non mature you have become. Well, positive changes are in store for my life currently and I don't have anyone to report it to but myself, yet for some reason I am compelled to keep this blog open and continue writing it it. At the very least I should keep record of who I am and what is happening.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 27th, 2007

Subject:So... I finally got around to getting a drivers license.
Time:4:47 am.
Mood: accomplished.
Good times.
I don't understand why everyone is giving me so much praise for this 'accomplishment." I mean.. jesus, I guess they really took the words 'better late than never' to heart.

Don't get me wrong, I am exceedingly happy to have this chapter in my adulthood, finally end. It is very important. Right up there with getting my period, growing hair in funny places and kissing boys.

With that said, we are moving AGAIN. This time hopefully we will be situated for several years. At least until Zoe goes to elementary school. By then, I hope we have figured out where we are planning on planting ourselves for the next two decades.

Work is... work.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Andrew is doing very well with school this semester and I am very proud. However, it will be nice to have him add something to our collective income, beyond government handouts. The summer will be good I think.

Melissa and I have a couple of road trips planned, and I am going to Vegas next weekend with a few of the girls from work. We'll see how that goes.

I am going to try and get in touch with some of my old acquaintences from the library. I kind of miss having vaguely conservative friends. It's nice every once in a while to have lunch with people and not find the need to discuss the 'porn title of the day' or anything else involving my extensive career in and around the sex industry.

It's been at least two years since I've been in contact with anyone. That's they beauty of myspace for you though. It's really easy to find everyone and send e-mails if you're too pussy to just call and be like 'Hey, Let's Go to Lunch.'

Well, I guess that's it for now.

(Hey, it only took me a month to update, instead of like..a year.)
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, March 5th, 2007

Subject:Dear god. It's nearly been a year since I have touched this.
Time:3:35 am.
Mood: tired.
Part of it has to do with the fact that... well.... Nobody cares.

This isn't an "Oh!!... Poor me, I have no friends, feel bad for me and comment on my journal..." statement, it's more a general post reflecting my reasoning behind not updating in a long time.

I mean, there are a few people that might read my posts because it's still, for some reason, in their friend's section, but for the most part... the people that I am close to get updates on my life through talking to me.

"Then, why not write in it for yourself?" You ask. Or at least I think you ask, assuming anyone reads this post.

Because I don't like myself enough to spend that much down-time, repeating life's daily events. As if I have much down time... Besides, if I really wanted to do that, I would write in a regular journal.

And yet... I can't bring myself to sign off entirely, because I have had this thing for roughly 5 years, and there are a lot of experiences I have shared here, that I haven't shared anywhere else. Partially due to the fact that the written word is easier to hide behind than person to person contact, and partially due to the fact that it was there and sometimes you need to vent.

So I stand uncomfortably on the edge, peering over the great distance to the jutting rocks below. Rather than jump off into oblivion, I continue to stand, feeling the cold breeze prickle my skin from head to foot.

I would like to continue I think... because it's sort of nice to be able to have a comforting place to share my thoughts and feelings, where little judgement is passed, but I still have the illusion that I am being heard. And while I will probably end up double posting my blogs on myspace, as its popularity has become a bit stronger for some terrible reason, there are plenty of things that I just wouldn't put into a blog for that site.

With that said... I suppose I will launch into my latest grievance.

That is what this is all about, isn't it? Grievances. We rarely are as impassioned to write when we are content. Sometimes we write a page or two about an incredibly positive thing that happened, but for the most part we write to express our distaste for the unpleasantness that being a human being sometimes entails.

I am unhappy. And I am not kind when I am unhappy.

I like to consider myself a compassionate, fair person, as a general rule. But, I am coming to terms with the fact that I reflect my unhappiness on those closest too me, out of some desire to make them (if even for a moment) as miserable as I am. It's a fact I have only admitted to myself recently, and a habit that has roots so deep, I am not sure where to begin healing.

So, what to work on first? Getting happy, or getting less vindictive?...

I think I am going to have to wait on happiness, as I don't believe I will be truly happy until I go back to school, and have a future beyond unfulfilling jobs in my sight. However, during the interim, I don't need to be outright miserable. I need to start taking pleasure in the little things again, and stop focusing so much on the big picture. The big picture is grainy and the sound is terrible. The little things put me into perspective and make me feel good from time to time. Writing, reading, taking an interest in other things besides sleep, hanging out with friends, and work. Not that I don't love all of them.. (well, two out of three anyway) but, that's ALL I do. I need to get to like myself again, because I am really tired of hating myself enough that I am starting to dislike everyone else. It's causing strain on my friendships, and my marriage.

I need to convince myself that I am not a workhorse that does little or nothing to better itself. I am stagnant. A word I have used to describe myself on numerous occasions over the years and is never the less, still accurate. I have so much more in me than what I present to the world. I am so tired of being the only one that knows it.

I need to realize that my discontent, will pass in time. And while the future looms in the distance, seemingly beyond my reach, it becomes clearer with every passing hour. I also need to learn to hold my tongue in times of extreme duress, because my head is full of insults, petty grudges, flaws, and general unpleasantness for and about nearly everyone. These terrible things fly out, and I fear one day I will lash out so terribly, I will destroy a bond with someone, be it friend or family member.

Pray for me, if you're the type to do so, and hope for me if you are not.
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, May 21st, 2006

Subject:Small update, and survey...
Time:2:16 am.
Mood: accomplished.
Things are good... get the new apartment on tuesday, Andrew is moving our stuff down this weekend. Zoe is fantastic. She's eating rice cereal now, and is talking (not english yet, but we're working on it.) up a storm. Life still feels like it is on hold, until we get the apartment up and running. I can't wait to get things started and stop feeling like a vagrant.



In a message dated 5/20/2006 6:08:29 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time

101 RANDOM QUESTIONS:

1) Do you have a crush on somebody?
Just the man I'm married to.


2) Do you hate more than 3 people?:
Lost track after 12

3) How many houses have you lived in?:
houses? two, apartments?... three

4) Favorite candy bar?
Whatchamacallit?... no, seriously, that's the name of the candy bar


6) Have you ever tripped someone?:
Yes.

7) Least favorite school subject?:
History, Economics... how about learning altogether?

8) How many pairs of shoes do you own?:
if I had the time to count my pairs of shoes, I think I would be a lot less stressed

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD?:
No

10) Have you ever thrown up in public?:

Del Mar Fair... birthday cake, not pretty
11) Name one thing that is always on your mind:
I hate to be predictable but... sex. Lame jokes, innuendos, or what I'd like to be doing later. Let's be honest, most of us can agree with this topic

12) Favorite genre of music?
Rock

13) Whats your sign?:
Virgo

14) What time were you born?:
actual birth? Or when I was able to breath on my own? Theres about a six week difference there.

15) Do you like beer?:
A few years ago, I would have said no, but these days, I'm sort of a fan of beer. Particularly Corona or NewCastle

16) Have you ever made a prank phone call?:
Acting Class, Sophomore year, in groups while the teachers was off directing the class play

18) Are you sarcastic?:
Never. I'm insulted by the inference

19) What are your favorite colors?:
Black, red, neon green... anything loud

20) How many watches do you own?:
Not a one

21) Summer or winter?
Summer

22) Is anyone in love with you?:
No, I think he's just using me for my ability to bare children. (You really should go back to the sarcasm question after this

23) Favorite color to wear?:
these days... pink, embarrassingly enough

24) Pepsi or Sprite?:
Beer

25) What color is your cell phone?:
gray

26) Where is your second home?:
in europe, with my second husband and three children

27) Have you ever slapped someone?:
Yes, seriously and in jest

28) Have you ever had a cavity?
Not since they removed all my teeth.. (again, just messing with you.)

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom?:
None, just track lighting on the ceiling.
30) How many video games do you own?: More than I care to count


31) What was your first pet?:
Cinder the bunny. (Died by electrocution. Hey, I never said he was a SMART bunny.)

32) Ever had braces?:
My oddly shaped teeth are what makes me, me, I'd never fork over the thousands of dollars required to change that. And if I did, I'd get a boob job first!

33) Do looks matter?
I think couples should be proportionately attractive, but beyond who you sleep with... no, not really.

34) Do you use chapstick?:
Newp

35) Name 3 teachers from high school... If I can't remember what I learned in algebra, I certainly can't remember my teachers names...


36) American Eagle or Abercrombie?:
neither

37) Are you too forgiving?:
Yes. My ex roommate owes me 5000 dollars, but when he calls, I listen to him talk about his relationship problems without complaint. Too forgiving? No... I'm a pussy.

38) How many children do you want?:
2. 1 down, 1 to go... but I'm going to wait until my hips go back first...

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?:
Unfortunately.

40) Favorite breakfast meal?:
Oatmeal. Oatmeal, coffee, and if I'm lucky, a cigarette.

41) Do you own a gun?:
Just the one I use to kill the bums that keep showing up on my property... (again, just fucking with you.)

42) Ever thought you were in love?: Not really, it sort of fell on me like a piano out of a third story window.


43) When was the last time you cried?:
When my baby was born. (Pain AND Joy, what a combo.)

44) What did you do 3 nights ago?:
... Ask me in a week, I'll probably remember then.

45) Olive Garden?: Pine Forest?.... I'm sorry is this word association? Cause I suck at it..


46) Have you ever called your teacher mom?:
Uhm... not that I recall, you sick, sick bastard.

47) Have you ever been in a castle?:
Yeah. You know... there is a castle on a cloud. I like to go there in my sleep. No dirty floors for me to sweep. No siree, not on my castle on a cloud... God these questions are strange

48) Nicknames?:
Mama, Jewels, Love, Chocobo.

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?: There was my cell mate in lockdown.. but.. that's a story for another time.


50) Ever been to Kentucky?:
No, but relatives of mine have lived there... and STILL I wasn't compelled to visit.

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic?:
My husband?... Cause that's pretty much where his wardrobe comes from. I'm telling you, he's not gay. I swear.

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?
Your mom. You know... when she does that thing I like...

53) Ever called somebody Boo?
Only when scaring the crap out of someone from behind.

54) Do you smoke?:
Gave it up for over a year... went right back to it... powerful drug, nicotine.
55) Do you own a diamond ring?:
Nope, wouldn't care to, I'm really not a material girl, despite this material world.
56) Are you happy with your life right now?:
At this very moment, no, but it's two am, and i'm alone on the internet, so that's probably the reason. The sun'll come out tomorrow, after all... (I'm trying to see how many unnecessary show tune lyrics I can fit in this survey, have you noticed?)

57) Do you dye your hair?:
Yes. And I probably always will.

58) Does anyone have a crush on you?:
Who doesn't? I'm just so damn lovable.

59) starbucks or dunkin donuts?:
hmm... would I rather be cracked out or fat?... tough choice..

60) What were you doing in May of 1994?:
Probably doing things a 9 year old shouldn't do without my mother's knowledge.

62) McDonalds or Wendys?: If you're gonna go white trash fast food... jack in the box, by far.


63) Do you like yourself?: Not as much as other people do, but enough.


64) Are you closer to your mother or father?: My father... he doesn't argue with me, being dead and all.


65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex?:
I like how PC this question is, not OPPOSITE sex, but PREFERRED sex. If I say penis does that kill it?...

66) Are you afraid of the dark?: Only when I'm alone, and that is a rare thing.


67) Have you ever eaten paste?
No, but I have accidentally drank bong water... which I'm pretty sure is worse.

68) Do you own a webcam?:
Cum see me now at www.ignorantslutsthatareaskingtobeassaulted.com

69) Have you ever stripped?:
Ha...hahahaha...

70) Ever broke a bone?:
Better question would be what bones have you NOT broken... then I think I might be stumped.

71) Are you religious?: Not so much to convert others, but enough to be compelled to pray when I'm afraid of death or harm.


72) Do you chat on AIM often?:
Not in a while, who has the time anymore?
73) Pringles or Lays?
Blech... that's all I have to say about that.


74) Have you ever broken someones heart?:
Yes, and it wasn't the first or the last time..

75) Rugrats or Doug?:
Rugrats, I suppose, if I'm going to watch a horribly put together 90s cartoon that features things that can't really talk.


76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?:
Full House, it's so much more funny after seeing Bob Sagat in the Aristocrats.

77) Did [*DO*] you like your high school guidance counselor?: We didn't have one, apparently the kids at our school were self starters.


78) Has anyone ever called you fat?:
Once... and then they found out I was pregnant, and apologized.

79) Do you have a birth mark?:
No, but I wish I had a cool one like Tiffany's... I wouldn't have to get a tattoo to make myself feel unique and special if that were the case. Some people get all the luck.

80) Do you own a car?:
yes

81) Can you cook?: Yes. But is it always edible?... Not so much.


82) 3 things that annoy you: The voices in my head, my cat trying to attack my toes while I sleep, and my mother asking embarrassing questions at dinner.


83) Do you text message often?:
I try to avoid it. I talk where possible.

84) Money or love?:
Money can't by love, but I have that already, and... I'm broke, so.. I'll go for the money option.

85) Do you have any scars?:
A ton. Mostly emotional ones though.

86) What do you want more than anything right now?:
To figure out WTF I am actually going to do with my life....

87) Do you enjoy scary movies?: Yes... An American Haunting sucked ass, by the way, in case anyone was wondering.


88) Relationships or one night stands?: One night stands. Less obligations, more STDs, let's go for it!


89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit?:
Juicy Fruit

90) Do you enjoy greasy food?: I say yes, but then I scrape all the grease off when it comes down to it. I'm all talk, really.


91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?:
Yes, but I prefer the terminator movies, Arnie has Sylvestor beat anyday.

92) Do you own a box of crayons?:
Actually... no..

93) Ever had sex in a public place?:
On numerous occasions.

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you?:
My husband. You know.. the other one, in europe.

95) Who was the last person that made you mad?:
My brother..

96) Who was the last person that made you cry?: My daughter... as she was coming out.


97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? Allan


98) Who was the last person that you fell for?: God these questions get repetitive if you're in a serious relationship


99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you?:
Melissa.

100) Who was the last person that called you?
Andrew, to say goodnight.

101) Who is the person most likely to fill this out?: Cody, after I post it on LJ that is.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 26th, 2006

Subject:Bored, tired.. and waiting.
Time:3:32 am.
Mood: awake.
It's nearly four am, and the baby is still asleep... but I know if I try to go to sleep now, she's just going to wake up in twenty minutes and I'm going to be twice as tired and twice as cranky when it happens... so here I am, awake, nothing to do but wait and try to pass my time until she wakes up.

Going to disneyland on Thursday with Andrew, his little sister, and my entire immediate family. (For those of you who haven't tuned in in a while.. that's a lot of freaking people.

It should be fun though.

Good god, this baby sleeps heavy. I suppose I only have myself to blame.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 11th, 2006

Subject:Still awake, and as such, thinking..
Time:4:24 am.
Mood: awake.
My days off always annoy me, because I get the chance to get to sleep early (and catch a good amount of sleep before the baby wakes up) but, my body clock is so acclimated to the late-night schedule that I simply lie awake for hours if I do try to get to sleep. Sometimes I do just lie there and wait for sleep to come, but more often than not I get up and watch a movie or in this case go online until I'm tired enough to actually fall asleep.

I suppose I'll give an update as to what I've been up to as of late. Been working at LG again, training to be a Cashier, as my experience and reliability gave me an edge above the other candidates... well, and the fact that there really weren't many other candidates. The money is good, the job is a bit stressful, but... I feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable at GeoDesign, or anywhere else that I've worked for that matter. I feel like I'm part of the clique at LG, where I never was anywhere else. My personality traits don't clash with anyone, I don't have to be afraid of what I talk about, and no one asks me questions about my plans for the future that I don't have answers to, which ultimately forces me to lie. Since the whole being eaten alive by my overwhelming desire not to be looked at like a piece of meat is taken out of the equation, by my not having to dance anymore... I'm completely free of any problems with the job.

Yes, yes, it's a terrible black hole of an industry and I don't want to end up being 60, still filling out paperwork and selling tickets, of course.. but I wouldn't want to be a desk clerk, or a telemarketer forever either. None of the jobs I've had in the last 6 years have been ideal for eternity, but I can live with going to work every day in a way I really can't anywhere else.

So, shame on me for being so easily drawn to a sleazy industry and its benefits, but hell, if it will keep me more or less sane, the bills paid, and my daughters college fund growing, while giving me time to spend with my daughter, and Andrew the money to finish his degree, then I'll do it.

On another note, things between Andrew and I are not as idyllic as they were when I was pregnant, we get on each other's nerves a bit more, and as such, we're prone to a bit of bickering..

Still, it's never anything new or groundbreaking, and I still love curling up next to him at the end of the day

Still haven't moved our stuff from our old place, to here, still haven't even looked into getting an apartment in SD again. We did however, get a 6,000 dollar tax return which helped us clear up the majority of our past debt. (We haven't had a single creditor call is un over a week!!!)

Andrew's sister is coming down at the end of April to go to Disneyland with my family (part of which she still hasn't met) and at the end of May, Greg's getting out of school, and he'll help Andrew with the move (which is good, because I'll have my hands tied with Zoe and the fact that I can't lift much anyway..)

I'm going to miss the quaint-ness of our old apartment, but, a new look might just give me the gumption to actually decorate something myself.

Oh, and Zoe is giggling now. There's nothing quite like a baby's laugh, especially when you hear it for the first time.

In other news, television (and Tivo especially) has poisoned my mind in ways you can't imagine. With all the time I have with my hands full and not much else to do with the baby while feeding/entertaining her... I've been watching a LOT of TV. As such, I have gotten more or less addicted to the following shows (in no particular order)

ER (the original, you know 1995-2000)
Star Trek : The Next Generation (We knew that already)
Gilmore Girls (my guilty pleasure)
Grey's Anatomy (Another hospital based series)
House (Are we seeing a trend here?)
Family Guy (The newer stuff, the first couple of seasons kinda suck)
Conviction (Brand-new, only 5 episodes so far, and I'm enthralled)

But STILL I have no interest in soap operas... my mother tries to get me to watch General Hospital with her, and I just can't.. even though it's technically a hospital based series, like the other three I'm into.. there's just something about the acting, writing, cinematography and general convoluted-ness that I just can't handle.


Okay.. I suppose that's enough for now, feel updated? Good... cause its 5:00am, and I'm finally feeling tired.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 5th, 2006

Subject:Two revelations...
Time:3:13 am.
Mood: enraged.
My grandfather is really gone. He's dead. Gone. I will never see him again.

My husband has the subtlety and tact of a semi-automatic weapon.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, March 6th, 2006

Subject:Selfish me...
Time:2:56 am.
Mood: anxious.
So I got offered a job, that pays well, that doesn't extend my already thin rubber band of morality. But, it's in San Diego. So, what does that mean? Move back? Make Andrew leave his family AGAIN, for the comfort and stability that a few extra green pieces of paper offers.

I hate that Andrew's life has been influenced and moved around by the simple fact that I exist. He's given up so much for us, and I want to make him happy. And yet, he can't seem to be happy unless I'M happy.

I admit it, I was miserable in Portland. Miserable, lonely, listless and bored. Not to mention cold. His mother does nothing but backbite and spread her unhappiness wherever she can reach. I had no friends in town, and the only friends that bothered to call me were Azi and Melissa.

I hadn't had a child yet, and I was a shut in. Spending any and all time I had to myself, with myself.

The only benifit that moving brought was forcing Andrew and me back together enough to realize that we really do love each other, beyond reach of anything else. I am thankful for the time I've spent in Portland, and I'm thankful to have had the experience of living somewhere else. But... I dread the thought of going back.

So this new job means that Andrew yet again follows me and my decisions.

Yes the money will help us, and we won't be struggling for money anymore, but at what emotional cost? I don't want to see his ties with the REST of his family severed because of something inspired by me.

Selfish me.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, March 1st, 2006

Subject:Parenting...
Time:12:59 am.
Mood: awake.
So, Andrew and I have been in san diego these last several weeks, taking care of our daughter, trying to get a handle on our financial situation and just trying to enjoy life and what's going on in it.

I've come to three conclusions.

1. Breastfeeding is REALLY hard. It's just as difficult as being pregnant, but worse because you don't get any sleep. It's also well worth it for your child and your relationship with it.
2. I'm not sure Andrew and I can do this on our own back home, while trying to work, and maintain our marriage. I'm really scared of what's going to happen when we pack things up and leave.
3. Being a mom is the best things that's ever happened in my life, despite every difficulty.

Our little girl gets bigger every day, and every day she has something to be excited about. Right now it's the prospect of walking and crawling. She lights up when you hold her up so her feet can touch the ground, tomorrow she will be mouthing words, waiting for you to understand her. It's amazing waking up every day and seeing someone experiencing the simplest things for the first time. I'm so glad I get to do this.

Andrew is great too, I couldn't ask for a better lover, friend, and father of my child.

Things are hard, and sometimes it's overwhelming, but in the end it's all worth it. Every minute.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006

Subject:Happy New Year, and welcome to the new addition to the ter Veen/Macrorie family.
Time:5:17 pm.
Mood: grateful.
That's right, not only are we welcoming a new year, but we're also welcoming a new life. Finally, after months of waiting and worrying, on December 26th, 2005 at precisely Midnight, I started to go into labor.

Speeding through the birthing process, contractions increasing in verocity and length, I made it to the hospital four centemeters dialated. Breathing through the pain, and consiquently not screaming or commiting to any kind of hysterics (you'd all be quite proud, although I imagine some of you are dissapointed.)

Within a few hours, and after being heavily medicated, I was complete and ready to give birth.

Now... for those of you planning on having children in the future, that are under the same dillusion that I was, that the epidural is going to take away ALL of the pain and thus make labor a completely stress-free experience... you are very very wrong. An epidural is pain MANAGEMENT, meant only to lighten the load, so to speak. In order for one to give birth effectively, you must feel some amount of pain, in order to know when and when not to push. Imagine my surprise when the head found it's way between my legs, and I was VERY aware of my nerves as did so.



Oh yes, and of course one needs to ONLY push with the onslaught of a contraction and merely wait for the next, pushing in ten second intervals.

Now... when you have something only slightly smaller than a bowling ball between your legs and someone tells you to just LEAVE it there, until the next contraction... one gets real uncomfortable, REAL fast.

Still, let me emphasise...

DO WHAT THE DOCTOR TELLS YOU.

He says push, PUSH
He says hold, HOLD

I was in active labor for only 45 minutes before I held my child in my arms, and I didn't tear or have an episiotomy. I was on my feet the next day, and now, over a week later, I feel great.. (other than getting used to sleeping in three hour intervals.)

Zoë Coraline ter Veen, was born at 10:46am, December 26th, 2005 and she's been a blessing ever since, I will be back in San Diego soon, to share her with those I love and try to figure out this whole parent-thing.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, December 25th, 2005

Subject:Survey thing
Time:12:59 am.
Mood: awake.
Of Your Friends...
List 10 Of Your Friends (Any Gender) Below

(These are also in no particular order. Obviously, since my husband is number eight.)

1.: Melissa
2.: Allan
3.: Gina
4.: Greg
5.: Preston
6.: Azi
7.: Cody
8.: Andrew
9.: Stephanie (my sister)
10.: Natasha

Now Answer The Questions Below Referring To The Friends You Listed Above.

How long have you known 1?: About 4 years now, but we've been really close for over two..
Have you been to 8's house?: ... So much... it seems like I live there. Oh wait!...

Do you like 6?: Isn't this supposed to be about friends?... Yes. Of course I do.

Are 4 and 10 friends?: Kind of... but not as much by choice as circumstance, I think.

Have you been to 3's house?: Yes. Not where she's living now, but that horrible asbestos-ridden place in downtown SD she used to live in..

Would you ever live with 5?: Been there, done that. Again?... No.
When was the last time you talked to 4?: Over a month ago, actually, when we were in san francisco on our way to town for thanksgiving. Should probably give him a ring for Christmas.

Would 1 and 6 make a good couple?: ...It'd be really hot... but I don't think they have that much in common...

How about 8 and 10?: I think so, actually. They have enough in common, and I think they're physically compatable. (Yes, I am talking about my husband and my friend, and of course I'm talking hypothetically)

Have you ever dreamt about 2?: He's been in a few dreams actually.

Have you ever slept with 9?: Let's think about that for a second... my SISTER. No.

Is 7 attractive?: Depending on the time of year and how his self esteem is doing. (you know it's true) but generally, yes.

Do you love 4?: Like the red-headed step-brother I never had..

Would you ever cuddle with 1?: All the time.

Would you ever kiss 3?: I don't think she swings that way.

What do you like best about 6?: Her passion for life, and her stead-fast desire to make a difference. Her hugs. She gives great hugs. And hair tugs.

Have you ever had a crush on 1, 3, 5, 7, or 9?: Yes, No, No, Yes,... My SISTER...

Do you ever wish you never met 3?: Only because of the place we met, if we could have
met anywhere else, I'd never think of it.

How did you meet 5?: In the ralphs shopping center in Encinitas, after him and Nikki got hair cuts together... and then we walked back to my place... and there were bees... many bees.

Has 2 seen you naked?: Yes, but that's really not that impressive of a feat.

Have you seen 2 naked?: I missed that time he was on acid... so no.

Who is taller? 5 or 10?: Preston (5)

Have you met 4's family?: Haven't met his sisters, but other than that I think I've seen just about all the Collinsworth's

Would you ever go out with 3?: Again, I don't think she swings that way.

Do you think 7 is funny?: He makes me laugh quite often... not always intentionally, of course. ::grin::

What about 6?: Smarmy...sarcastic... I don't know about 'funny' exactly. But she can make me laugh, that is for sure.

Where was the last place you went with 1?: Visited her at Channel's house in the morning.. we were supposed to get dougnuts, but her rear windshield had been busted. So we went and hugged and said goodbye over there.

When was the last time you hung out with 2?: Day before thanksgiving. Denney's. Need I say more?

Where do you want to take 3?: To Disneyland, or Six Flaggs, or... SOMETHING, she's never been to an amusement park and she's 22.

When do you want to see 4?: When we can.

Would 5 and 6 make a good couple?: Uhm... no.

Have 7 and 8 ever kissed?: ....No... but...ewww, mental image. Not okay.

Would 9 or 10 ever live together?: No. I know that for sure.

Would you let 3 have your baby?: I'M having my baby, thank you very much..

Have you ever told 1 a deep dark secret?: She knows it all. So I try to stay on her good side.

Has 1 ever told you a secret?: For sure, so she stays on my good side. At this point, I don't think we can stop being friends, the blackmail would be too much.

Would you runaway with 6?: If we were ever in the same ZIP code. lol

Who was the last person 9 kissed?: A jerk who lives in L.A. He's on my shit list.

Who was the last person 7 hugged?: He hugs everybody. Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe Shadow...?

What word or phrase does 5 say alot?: "50 bucks.." in reference to how much he's willing to kill a person you don't like for.

Does 6 make you laugh?: We already covered this, yes, she does.

Does 2 ever annoy you?: Only when he doesn't call. When we actually hang out, we're cool.

When did you last call 4?: A few minutes ago, actually, to wish him a merry christmas.

Do you ever talk to 3 online?: Nope.

What about 2?: Nope.

Does 10 smell bad?: No, she actually has a habit of smelling really good.

Does 1 smell nice?: Usually... there were a few drunken nights though...but that was mostly alcohol.

Are 1 and 8 friends?: I HOPE so, after all the shit the three of us have been through. If anything ever happens to me, I'm quite certain he'd take my place as BFF after a fashion.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, December 22nd, 2005

Subject:Swallowing my pride.
Time:12:44 am.
Mood: awake.
So, after the baby is born in January, Andrew and I are subletting our apartment for a few months and coming home to San Diego. Why?... Because we're broke, exhausted, and are about to go through a massive change that we might not be able to make it through without the support network of friends and family that we have in San Diego.

This is me, sticking my tail between my legs.

Trust me, I'm not one to do this often, if ever; in fact, this may be the first time many of you have ever seen me reach this point of complete humility. As much as I wish I was in a place in my life to do this all on my own, I'm not, and I refuse to start my child off on the wrong foot because I'm too proud to take help when I need it.

So, after the birth we'll be coming home for a few months and taking a break from total independence. Once we've gotten our bills and our sanity in order, we'll go back home, ready for the rest of the journey.

So, to all of you who are still in San Diego, I'll see you in a few weeks.

Love,
Jewels
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

Subject:Goodbye to the pain...
Time:3:47 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
My last day was supposed to be the 22nd, but, it was today instead. I just couldn't TAKE it anymore.

So... here's hoping we figure our money situation out soon.
For now...

A nap.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, December 11th, 2005

Subject:Goodbye to an old friend.
Time:7:50 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
They put Cali; our lovable pit-bull/boxer mix, to sleep today. She was ten years old.

The house isn't going to be the same without her. It's going to be weird going home and have her not be there.


No more right now...
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, December 5th, 2005

Subject:Thoughts..
Time:11:31 am.
Mood: contemplative.
It’s another day, another dollar, and another incredibly awkward day at the office. Ever since my chat with my office manager nearly a month ago, I’ve been on the countdown to getting out of here, and it’s incredibly unnerving. I don’t really feel I can talk to anyone else I work with about the situation, and I just generally don’t feel comfortable being here on this ‘after termination extended employment’ wave. I mean… I’m not really inclined to care about my job or the work I do anymore, because… well, what difference does it make? But, I have a hard time just blatantly slacking off in the work place with everyone watching. So, what do I do? I go to work every day like everything is the same, and feel like gouging my eyes out with pen. I’m here until December 22nd, and every week becomes more and more of a strain. Today I had to literally will myself out of bed to go today. I lay there in thought after my alarm went off thinking… ‘why am I doing this to myself?’ And of course the awe inspiring answer was ‘money.’ And I guess that was enough to get my sorry ass out of bed.

Still, I guess going to an office job that’s unwelcoming and bothersome is still better than the cesspool of self loathing and self-medication that was LesGirls. At the same time though, I’m beginning to think I was MORE comfortable there than I am here. I mean… my co-workers (aside from an occasional death threat from a tweaker here and there) were easy to get on with, and I didn’t feel any sense of dread coming to work every day. I didn’t like the nature of the job, but the people I really did enjoy after a fashion, even some of the regulars. I sort of have the same thoughts when I think about the Library. I mean, I was there for four years and never really got comfortable. I mean, I didn’t hate going to work at the library, but I never hung out with anyone I worked with, never really got to know anyone above a base level, and when I left, I really didn’t feel as if I’d made any sort of distinct impact. When I left LG, they gave me a huge send-off, and even put together a pool of money to help me move. I got a card, gifts and hugs goodbye, and to this day, I still talk to a few of the girls now and again.


So what does that mean? As far as my experience goes, despite the mental anguish, the job I was undoubtedly best at, and most comfortable with, was stripping…? I don’t feel comfortable in jobs that require my intelligence...? Is my self esteem really that low…? Kind of a depressing train of thought, don’t you think? So I try to veer away from those thoughts and let myself mull over other things.

Next week I’ll officially be ‘full term’ for the pregnancy. That essentially means I can go at any moment. I haven’t reached my official due date, but am still capable of having a happy, healthy newborn from this point on. Not only does that bring forward the incredibly nerve wracking concept that I’m really going to be giving BIRTH in a few weeks, but also that soon I will have a tiny fragile life to take care of and watch grow for essentially the rest of MY life.

So… needless to say, there’s been a lot on my mind.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, November 14th, 2005

Subject:"We need to talk about your flair..."
Time:10:10 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
So, I was kind of, sort of, fired in advance today. I still have a job... just until I give birth.

My office manager took me into her office, sat me down (this is only a week or so before the end of my 'probationary' period, mind you) and explained that they don't feel my employment is going to work out.

"You're a great employee, you show up on time, you're detail oriented, you're great on the phones, you handle stressful situations very well, and overall, you do what is required of you, very well.

....But, I really want an employee that is excited to be here every day, someone who really wants to make this their career. I just... get the feeling that this is just a job to you. We're looking for someone who has a little more enthusiasm.."

"....But...I'm not doing anything WRONG, particularly? I'm a good receptionist, overall?"

"Oh yes, you're great; I'd be happy to be reference to that and I'll gladly write you a letter of recommendation."

"But.. I'm being fired."

"Well, I wouldn't say that we're firing you; it's just... I really just don't get the impression that you WANT to be here."

"Do I seem rude to the clients, have you gotten any complaints?"

"Oh, no, you're great over the phones; you're friendly, warm, and familiar with the client base. I have no complaints about your job performance at all.. I just don't get the impression that this job really...sings to you."

"You want someone with more...flair?" ... I can't help but laugh in my head at the obvious movie reference that she doesn't pick up on.

"Yeah!... you get it?... But of course, we're not going to let you go right away. I imagine it would be a little difficult for you to find another job at this stage in your pregnancy. We're just going to extend your employment until you have the baby."


And suddenly it makes sense.

I'm being fired because they don't want to hold my position for six weeks after I give birth. They'd rather hire and train someone else, and they can't come up with a legitimate reason for dumping me, because I haven't really fucked up at all. If they fire me BEFORE the end of my probationary period, but let me stay on as a courtesy after the termination, they don't HAVE to have a reason for firing me. I can't sue, and their bases are covered.

My manager obviously feels like an asshole for doing it.

I mean, how many people that fire you offer to give you a letter of recommendation?

I must admit, it was rather satisfying watching her squirm in her chair, waiting for me to flip out, or cry or something.

I just smiled and said 'okay.'

I really like it when I'm able to take things so well, when others are expecting the worse. I also really like it when my calmness makes the person I'm talking to JUST that much more uncomfortable.

Well, I've experienced my first job-related discrimination.

Oh well, I guess something else is in my path after the baby is born.

We'll have to see.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, November 10th, 2005

Subject:...Does anybody want to know what the temperature is outside?
Time:9:12 am.
Mood: cold.
38 degrees!

It's Mid-November, yes... I understand this, and in the grand scheme, it's probably a lot worse on the east coast. But you want to know what it is in SoCal? 60!

This is NOT my natural habitat.

I don't have nearly enough sweaters that fit pregnant-me.

*sigh*
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, November 6th, 2005

Subject:For those that are still listening...
Time:8:45 pm.
Mood: indifferent.
Oh, what the hell do you want from me. Meaning? It's not as if anyone ever really reads this thing to any great extent. Maybe a few. But those are probably the few that I talk to enough not to need this. Still, every month or so I find myself coming back and updating, as if I pity it somehow. I need to put in at least twelve entries a year, to feel like I haven't completely betrayed the LJ Gods or something.

Andrew's birthday came and went, as did Halloween, and the days flow by in their usual perpetuating monotony. I work, he works, we watch movies, go out to dinner, have sex, sleep, lather-rinse, repeat. I wonder if things are going to get less monotonous after the baby comes. Still, I'm happy. In a very quiet way. I was miserable and exciting before, go figure that I'm happy and boring now.

Every day I used to have an interesting story about something that happened. Either at work, or with the motley crew that I chose to hang around. There was some party every other weekend, and I consumed alcohol and cigarettes in mass. I was also incredibly neurotic, insecure and violently aggressive.

Now... I don't really do much of anything, I run out of things to talk about, because... I just don't have much to talk about anymore. I rarely have a story to tell that's current, and I haven't done anything to damage my body.. in well, eight months now.

I'm also relaxed, I rarely lose my temper over anything and if there is a problem, I tend to shrug and assume it will work out for the best eventually. Usually it does. I don't have a pre-apocalyptic approach to life anymore. Everything just sort of... glides.

I get lonely. I have no group of friends... but realistically, I'd be a massive kill-joy within the group that I used to hang out with anyway. I can't drink, smoke, do drugs; hell I can't even lift more than 15 pounds. No one really understands this change in me, and I'm a frightening reminder of the prospect of adult-hood to all those around me that haven't had to grow up yet.

I'm glad I'm isolated for the moment. I think it's better.

I miss Melissa a lot, even still. She never cared what I did, or what stage of life I was in, she just enjoyed my company. There was no need to impress. I miss my mom too. I also miss not having to wear sweaters in my house because I'm too cheap to turn the gas on.

I also miss not being judged by people. Least of all Andrew's family members. Now Andrew's mother (who is a drunk and an en abler for abusive relationships, mind you.) has been telling Andrew all the things she doesn't approve of about me.

Apparently I have no self reliance because I don't know how to drive... (never mind that she didn't get her drivers license until she was 23, so I still have two years on her... but... whatever.) and I'm a borderline hypochondriac because my doctor told me to go to the emergency room when I was complaining about pain in my upper right abdomen. I didn't WANT to go to the ER, nor did I plan on it, but Andrew, my mother, and my doctor all pushed me to do it. So I went. And, as I thought, I turned out to be okay, minus the fact that the baby was in a position to be kicking my ribs, which caused the pain. But, apparently because I mentioned the pain at all, I was somehow whoring myself for attention.

She also doesn't like the way I was raised. Whatever THAT means. As if she somehow did a better job raising her son and daughter... let's see, Andrew got the shit kicked out of him for his entire childhood by his step-father who she stayed with for 13 years (that she didn't even have the sense to leave, he left HER) creating all sorts of social phobias and psychological damage.. and his sister grew up in the aftermath of the divorce, watching Barbara drown herself in alcohol and self pity. Now, at 16, she has no respect for her mother, and spits on her authority whenever she gets a chance. Yeah. Real great job there, Barbara.

I'm not saying my childhood came up smelling like roses. Trust me. But there is a REASON Andrew and I ended up together. We didn't share a common bond of childhood memories that consisted of rainbows and butterflies. Our past helps to shape us, but we are ultimately the ones who create and define our destiny. What matters is that we're here, and we love each other. Who gives a fuck about anything else?

I mean, for the love of God, I thought I'd get a break from the great judgements if I got away from Andrew's dad, but no... either way, I'm just not enough. And the worse part is, she's so damned excited about me having her grandchild, and she wants to be so involved, and etc... she's sweet and polite and so f*ing fake to my face, now that I know her real intentions it makes me sick. At least Andrew's dad was up front and didn't want to have a relationship with me at all. This two sided crap just pisses me off.


So... yes, that's the latest. I mean, Andrew's family isn't really enough to rock the boat on our marriage. We're quite happy as we are.

Oh.. I'm also working on a book. I mean, it's not anything monumental yet. It's a young adult novel, and I've got about three chapters done so far. Andrew's editing it for me as I go, and I think it might turn into something workable if I keep at it. Who knows? It's something to do when Andrew's not home and I bore of pornography. ::laughs::

Going home in less than two weeks now. I'm counting the days.

The baby shower is on Friday, November 25th and it promises to be... interesting.

I gave my sister Mel's number to help with the decorations. It's kind of sad though... she was like "is there anyone else you want to invite?" and I couldn't really think of anyone that would show up.


Well, that's all she wrote, for those who care.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005

Subject:Ode to the sub-standard employee OR -- Office Space; revisited
Time:4:35 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
Have you ever got the feeling that you’re destined to be,
Nothing more and nothing less than mediocrity?
Every second, every hour, every breath and every glance
Just another way to prove they shouldn’t give you one more chance.

How many discussions have you had with the supervising staff,
About concerns of your performance, ‘can you cut your time by half?’
Do you feel a bit unnerved, because your best just doesn’t cut it?
Are you afraid your job will end, when one day you say ‘just SHOVE it?’

Have you ever sat an pondered what exactly you are missing,
From your wardrobe and your hair, to whose ass you should be kissing?
Are there moments that you look to your left and to your right,
And wonder how these soulless goons tuck their children in at night?

Well here’s to you, to us, to the always second rate
So what if we get fired, at least we can still get a date
We failed at office politics, but our hearts just weren’t there
I think we’d all feel worse if we really stopped to care
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

Subject:Feeling sick.
Time:8:35 am.
Mood: happy.
One of the interesting things about being pregnant, is that you get these really awful sick feelings for no apparent reason, out of nowhere. One minute you feel peachy, the next you're curled up in the fetal position (ironic, no?)on the floor, praying for another moment of lucidity. Although, to be honest, most of the time, while you're healthy and up-beat, you still feel mildly uncomfortable, heavy, and swollen. These things I've gotten used to, even to the point of forgetting about them, but this randomly ill thing is really annoying.

So... I'm in phase II of feeling like crap, and I'm at work, and well... I really don't feel like working. I'm caught up on all the necessary work, and the rest of it will take me all of a half an hour to do... so I'm typing away at my LiveJournal.

So... let's see, my birthday was fun, I slept in, and woke up to Andrew making me breakfast, he gave me my presents (a foot spa/massager, very cool, a david bowie CD, and see chocolates) the day was lazy but good and eventually we went to a Comedy Club in downtown Portland. The show was quite entertaining. I got a compliment from one of the waitresses for looking as good as I do at this stage in the pregnancy. I guess I'm not doing as badly as I think. So, with my ego boosted and my mood lightened we strolled around downtown and eventually grabbed a couple of movies (which we got for free because it was my birthday.) from hollywood video and went home to watch them. We eventually curled up in bed and talked until we drifted off to sleep. I couldn't have asked for a better evening.

Still, I miss my friends and I'm totally excited to see Melissa this weekend. I wish we could have more time together than just a weekend, but I'm going to make the most out of it.

Greg is still supposed to come visit around Halloween time, but he hasn't called me in a while to confirm or cancel that idea, so it's still up in the air.

Oh, and my sisters came into town last week to visit and were totally awesome. I don't think they've ever been as relaxed and well... friendly in my entire life. We went to the zoo, the mall, and explored downtown, we had dinner with Andrew's family and it wasn't a total disaster, we hung out at the apartment and chatted, we took pictures and talked about future plans.

Anyway... that's the update for the month. More later if I can think of anything.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for StarlitChaos.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.