StarlitChaos (starlitchaos) wrote,
StarlitChaos
starlitchaos

  • Mood:

Thoughts..

It’s another day, another dollar, and another incredibly awkward day at the office. Ever since my chat with my office manager nearly a month ago, I’ve been on the countdown to getting out of here, and it’s incredibly unnerving. I don’t really feel I can talk to anyone else I work with about the situation, and I just generally don’t feel comfortable being here on this ‘after termination extended employment’ wave. I mean… I’m not really inclined to care about my job or the work I do anymore, because… well, what difference does it make? But, I have a hard time just blatantly slacking off in the work place with everyone watching. So, what do I do? I go to work every day like everything is the same, and feel like gouging my eyes out with pen. I’m here until December 22nd, and every week becomes more and more of a strain. Today I had to literally will myself out of bed to go today. I lay there in thought after my alarm went off thinking… ‘why am I doing this to myself?’ And of course the awe inspiring answer was ‘money.’ And I guess that was enough to get my sorry ass out of bed.

Still, I guess going to an office job that’s unwelcoming and bothersome is still better than the cesspool of self loathing and self-medication that was LesGirls. At the same time though, I’m beginning to think I was MORE comfortable there than I am here. I mean… my co-workers (aside from an occasional death threat from a tweaker here and there) were easy to get on with, and I didn’t feel any sense of dread coming to work every day. I didn’t like the nature of the job, but the people I really did enjoy after a fashion, even some of the regulars. I sort of have the same thoughts when I think about the Library. I mean, I was there for four years and never really got comfortable. I mean, I didn’t hate going to work at the library, but I never hung out with anyone I worked with, never really got to know anyone above a base level, and when I left, I really didn’t feel as if I’d made any sort of distinct impact. When I left LG, they gave me a huge send-off, and even put together a pool of money to help me move. I got a card, gifts and hugs goodbye, and to this day, I still talk to a few of the girls now and again.


So what does that mean? As far as my experience goes, despite the mental anguish, the job I was undoubtedly best at, and most comfortable with, was stripping…? I don’t feel comfortable in jobs that require my intelligence...? Is my self esteem really that low…? Kind of a depressing train of thought, don’t you think? So I try to veer away from those thoughts and let myself mull over other things.

Next week I’ll officially be ‘full term’ for the pregnancy. That essentially means I can go at any moment. I haven’t reached my official due date, but am still capable of having a happy, healthy newborn from this point on. Not only does that bring forward the incredibly nerve wracking concept that I’m really going to be giving BIRTH in a few weeks, but also that soon I will have a tiny fragile life to take care of and watch grow for essentially the rest of MY life.

So… needless to say, there’s been a lot on my mind.
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
  • 0 comments