StarlitChaos (starlitchaos) wrote,
StarlitChaos
starlitchaos

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Selfish me...

So I got offered a job, that pays well, that doesn't extend my already thin rubber band of morality. But, it's in San Diego. So, what does that mean? Move back? Make Andrew leave his family AGAIN, for the comfort and stability that a few extra green pieces of paper offers.

I hate that Andrew's life has been influenced and moved around by the simple fact that I exist. He's given up so much for us, and I want to make him happy. And yet, he can't seem to be happy unless I'M happy.

I admit it, I was miserable in Portland. Miserable, lonely, listless and bored. Not to mention cold. His mother does nothing but backbite and spread her unhappiness wherever she can reach. I had no friends in town, and the only friends that bothered to call me were Azi and Melissa.

I hadn't had a child yet, and I was a shut in. Spending any and all time I had to myself, with myself.

The only benifit that moving brought was forcing Andrew and me back together enough to realize that we really do love each other, beyond reach of anything else. I am thankful for the time I've spent in Portland, and I'm thankful to have had the experience of living somewhere else. But... I dread the thought of going back.

So this new job means that Andrew yet again follows me and my decisions.

Yes the money will help us, and we won't be struggling for money anymore, but at what emotional cost? I don't want to see his ties with the REST of his family severed because of something inspired by me.

Selfish me.
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