StarlitChaos (starlitchaos) wrote,

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For those that are still listening...

Oh, what the hell do you want from me. Meaning? It's not as if anyone ever really reads this thing to any great extent. Maybe a few. But those are probably the few that I talk to enough not to need this. Still, every month or so I find myself coming back and updating, as if I pity it somehow. I need to put in at least twelve entries a year, to feel like I haven't completely betrayed the LJ Gods or something.

Andrew's birthday came and went, as did Halloween, and the days flow by in their usual perpetuating monotony. I work, he works, we watch movies, go out to dinner, have sex, sleep, lather-rinse, repeat. I wonder if things are going to get less monotonous after the baby comes. Still, I'm happy. In a very quiet way. I was miserable and exciting before, go figure that I'm happy and boring now.

Every day I used to have an interesting story about something that happened. Either at work, or with the motley crew that I chose to hang around. There was some party every other weekend, and I consumed alcohol and cigarettes in mass. I was also incredibly neurotic, insecure and violently aggressive.

Now... I don't really do much of anything, I run out of things to talk about, because... I just don't have much to talk about anymore. I rarely have a story to tell that's current, and I haven't done anything to damage my body.. in well, eight months now.

I'm also relaxed, I rarely lose my temper over anything and if there is a problem, I tend to shrug and assume it will work out for the best eventually. Usually it does. I don't have a pre-apocalyptic approach to life anymore. Everything just sort of... glides.

I get lonely. I have no group of friends... but realistically, I'd be a massive kill-joy within the group that I used to hang out with anyway. I can't drink, smoke, do drugs; hell I can't even lift more than 15 pounds. No one really understands this change in me, and I'm a frightening reminder of the prospect of adult-hood to all those around me that haven't had to grow up yet.

I'm glad I'm isolated for the moment. I think it's better.

I miss Melissa a lot, even still. She never cared what I did, or what stage of life I was in, she just enjoyed my company. There was no need to impress. I miss my mom too. I also miss not having to wear sweaters in my house because I'm too cheap to turn the gas on.

I also miss not being judged by people. Least of all Andrew's family members. Now Andrew's mother (who is a drunk and an en abler for abusive relationships, mind you.) has been telling Andrew all the things she doesn't approve of about me.

Apparently I have no self reliance because I don't know how to drive... (never mind that she didn't get her drivers license until she was 23, so I still have two years on her... but... whatever.) and I'm a borderline hypochondriac because my doctor told me to go to the emergency room when I was complaining about pain in my upper right abdomen. I didn't WANT to go to the ER, nor did I plan on it, but Andrew, my mother, and my doctor all pushed me to do it. So I went. And, as I thought, I turned out to be okay, minus the fact that the baby was in a position to be kicking my ribs, which caused the pain. But, apparently because I mentioned the pain at all, I was somehow whoring myself for attention.

She also doesn't like the way I was raised. Whatever THAT means. As if she somehow did a better job raising her son and daughter... let's see, Andrew got the shit kicked out of him for his entire childhood by his step-father who she stayed with for 13 years (that she didn't even have the sense to leave, he left HER) creating all sorts of social phobias and psychological damage.. and his sister grew up in the aftermath of the divorce, watching Barbara drown herself in alcohol and self pity. Now, at 16, she has no respect for her mother, and spits on her authority whenever she gets a chance. Yeah. Real great job there, Barbara.

I'm not saying my childhood came up smelling like roses. Trust me. But there is a REASON Andrew and I ended up together. We didn't share a common bond of childhood memories that consisted of rainbows and butterflies. Our past helps to shape us, but we are ultimately the ones who create and define our destiny. What matters is that we're here, and we love each other. Who gives a fuck about anything else?

I mean, for the love of God, I thought I'd get a break from the great judgements if I got away from Andrew's dad, but no... either way, I'm just not enough. And the worse part is, she's so damned excited about me having her grandchild, and she wants to be so involved, and etc... she's sweet and polite and so f*ing fake to my face, now that I know her real intentions it makes me sick. At least Andrew's dad was up front and didn't want to have a relationship with me at all. This two sided crap just pisses me off.

So... yes, that's the latest. I mean, Andrew's family isn't really enough to rock the boat on our marriage. We're quite happy as we are.

Oh.. I'm also working on a book. I mean, it's not anything monumental yet. It's a young adult novel, and I've got about three chapters done so far. Andrew's editing it for me as I go, and I think it might turn into something workable if I keep at it. Who knows? It's something to do when Andrew's not home and I bore of pornography. ::laughs::

Going home in less than two weeks now. I'm counting the days.

The baby shower is on Friday, November 25th and it promises to be... interesting.

I gave my sister Mel's number to help with the decorations. It's kind of sad though... she was like "is there anyone else you want to invite?" and I couldn't really think of anyone that would show up.

Well, that's all she wrote, for those who care.
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