StarlitChaos (starlitchaos) wrote,

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Dear god. It's nearly been a year since I have touched this.

Part of it has to do with the fact that... well.... Nobody cares.

This isn't an "Oh!!... Poor me, I have no friends, feel bad for me and comment on my journal..." statement, it's more a general post reflecting my reasoning behind not updating in a long time.

I mean, there are a few people that might read my posts because it's still, for some reason, in their friend's section, but for the most part... the people that I am close to get updates on my life through talking to me.

"Then, why not write in it for yourself?" You ask. Or at least I think you ask, assuming anyone reads this post.

Because I don't like myself enough to spend that much down-time, repeating life's daily events. As if I have much down time... Besides, if I really wanted to do that, I would write in a regular journal.

And yet... I can't bring myself to sign off entirely, because I have had this thing for roughly 5 years, and there are a lot of experiences I have shared here, that I haven't shared anywhere else. Partially due to the fact that the written word is easier to hide behind than person to person contact, and partially due to the fact that it was there and sometimes you need to vent.

So I stand uncomfortably on the edge, peering over the great distance to the jutting rocks below. Rather than jump off into oblivion, I continue to stand, feeling the cold breeze prickle my skin from head to foot.

I would like to continue I think... because it's sort of nice to be able to have a comforting place to share my thoughts and feelings, where little judgement is passed, but I still have the illusion that I am being heard. And while I will probably end up double posting my blogs on myspace, as its popularity has become a bit stronger for some terrible reason, there are plenty of things that I just wouldn't put into a blog for that site.

With that said... I suppose I will launch into my latest grievance.

That is what this is all about, isn't it? Grievances. We rarely are as impassioned to write when we are content. Sometimes we write a page or two about an incredibly positive thing that happened, but for the most part we write to express our distaste for the unpleasantness that being a human being sometimes entails.

I am unhappy. And I am not kind when I am unhappy.

I like to consider myself a compassionate, fair person, as a general rule. But, I am coming to terms with the fact that I reflect my unhappiness on those closest too me, out of some desire to make them (if even for a moment) as miserable as I am. It's a fact I have only admitted to myself recently, and a habit that has roots so deep, I am not sure where to begin healing.

So, what to work on first? Getting happy, or getting less vindictive?...

I think I am going to have to wait on happiness, as I don't believe I will be truly happy until I go back to school, and have a future beyond unfulfilling jobs in my sight. However, during the interim, I don't need to be outright miserable. I need to start taking pleasure in the little things again, and stop focusing so much on the big picture. The big picture is grainy and the sound is terrible. The little things put me into perspective and make me feel good from time to time. Writing, reading, taking an interest in other things besides sleep, hanging out with friends, and work. Not that I don't love all of them.. (well, two out of three anyway) but, that's ALL I do. I need to get to like myself again, because I am really tired of hating myself enough that I am starting to dislike everyone else. It's causing strain on my friendships, and my marriage.

I need to convince myself that I am not a workhorse that does little or nothing to better itself. I am stagnant. A word I have used to describe myself on numerous occasions over the years and is never the less, still accurate. I have so much more in me than what I present to the world. I am so tired of being the only one that knows it.

I need to realize that my discontent, will pass in time. And while the future looms in the distance, seemingly beyond my reach, it becomes clearer with every passing hour. I also need to learn to hold my tongue in times of extreme duress, because my head is full of insults, petty grudges, flaws, and general unpleasantness for and about nearly everyone. These terrible things fly out, and I fear one day I will lash out so terribly, I will destroy a bond with someone, be it friend or family member.

Pray for me, if you're the type to do so, and hope for me if you are not.
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